2014. Going lower.
Suffering changes New Years eve. You pause and you give thanks for things that you never imagined you would be thankful for.
Last year at this time I was still reeling from the unthinkable tragedy that occurred in Newtown. December 14, 2012 I sat speechless in front of the television screen. Mindlessly I ate an entire bag of M & Ms thinking about how to console my new found advocacy friends. We didn't need to say a word to each other. We knew what the other must have been thinking. My brother texted me, "do you think now they will listen about the seriously mentally ill?"
2012 changed everything. James Holmes sat in a court room for his initial hearing for the horrific mass shooting in a movie theatre in Aurora, Colorado. I cried like a baby. For the victims, but even more tears fell when I saw his face in that court room. Eyes bulging, blank stare. How could an entire country not see that? He was ill, clearly suffering from advanced untreated psychosis. I've seen that look before. I wept on my knees on the floor of my bedroom.
I never imagined that I would begin 2013 discussing serious mental illness with my friends and family. Having empathy for mass killers and their families. Who was I? How did I get here?
Since that time I have connected with some amazing people. Moms, dads, heroes in my book. Their stories leave me breathless. Humbled.
For them, I give thanks. Their courage to keep fighting, some after unspeakable loss.
I never expected this.
I give thanks for my husband who put his son, our family, ahead of a home, employment, prestige, even health at times. Many marriages don't survive, it's easy to understand why. So I am thankful for loss if it means I gained a marriage in tact and a son who is alive. And I am thankful even with loss, God replaces and restores. Thanks to my sister and her husband, we were given a home this year. Literally. Given to us.
Did not expect. grace.
I give thanks for 50+ sermons from my pastors this year at our church. Straight from the Bible, that's how they preach. The preaching of God's word each Sunday has become so precious to me. How did I take that for granted before? Every week I just want to hear what God has to say to me. It's not rocket science, it's so simple. Straight from His heart to mine from the preached Word. I am beyond grateful for men committed to share from scripture and not mainly from experience.
If you don't have a church like that, find one. Find pastors who are willing to get into the muck and mire of your life with you and care for your soul concretely and not from blogs or social media. Suffering does that, it makes you appreciate and see the mercy in your mess. And my pastors are part of that mercy.
Ordinary and unexpected treasure. Once a week. Sunday morning, oh my soul, I need God's preached Word.
Speaking of my church and my family, how they love my son! He never misses Sunday either. The stories I could share of the love expressed to him...well, there are no words. And when our son invited other men from his group home to our church, men who were visibly different. They were willing to learn. To have awkward moments like when a gentleman raised his hand in the back of our church to ask the pastor a question right in the middle of a sermon. Sweet grace and love. The stories I can share but will keep in my heart until that day...
Precious treasures, unexpected grace. I want to say I wouldn't trade this trial for anything but that wouldn't be true. I don't like seeing my son suffer. And yet my son is the most encouraging person I know. Even with his disabling symptoms. Even with constant torment and suffering. I tell him all the time, he is my hero.
And it's true. Unexpected hero.
Too many more blessings to keep sharing for now. These are simply the cream of the crop. And to think that to receive them, I was privileged to suffer.
"I used to think that God's gifts were on shelves one above the other, and that the taller we grew in Christian character the easier we should reach them. I find now that God's gifts are on shelves one beneath each other, and that it is not a question of growing taller but of stooping lower, and that we have to go down, always down, to get His best gifts" ~ F. B. Meyer
"To receive God's gifts, to live exalted and joy filled, isn't a function of straining higher, harder, doing more, carrying long the burdens of super-Pharisees or ultra saints. Receiving God's gifts is a gentle, simple movement of stooping lower." ~ Ann Voskamp
2012 changed everything. James Holmes sat in a court room for his initial hearing for the horrific mass shooting in a movie theatre in Aurora, Colorado. I cried like a baby. For the victims, but even more tears fell when I saw his face in that court room. Eyes bulging, blank stare. How could an entire country not see that? He was ill, clearly suffering from advanced untreated psychosis. I've seen that look before. I wept on my knees on the floor of my bedroom.
I never imagined that I would begin 2013 discussing serious mental illness with my friends and family. Having empathy for mass killers and their families. Who was I? How did I get here?
Since that time I have connected with some amazing people. Moms, dads, heroes in my book. Their stories leave me breathless. Humbled.
For them, I give thanks. Their courage to keep fighting, some after unspeakable loss.
I never expected this.
I give thanks for my husband who put his son, our family, ahead of a home, employment, prestige, even health at times. Many marriages don't survive, it's easy to understand why. So I am thankful for loss if it means I gained a marriage in tact and a son who is alive. And I am thankful even with loss, God replaces and restores. Thanks to my sister and her husband, we were given a home this year. Literally. Given to us.
Did not expect. grace.
I give thanks for 50+ sermons from my pastors this year at our church. Straight from the Bible, that's how they preach. The preaching of God's word each Sunday has become so precious to me. How did I take that for granted before? Every week I just want to hear what God has to say to me. It's not rocket science, it's so simple. Straight from His heart to mine from the preached Word. I am beyond grateful for men committed to share from scripture and not mainly from experience.
If you don't have a church like that, find one. Find pastors who are willing to get into the muck and mire of your life with you and care for your soul concretely and not from blogs or social media. Suffering does that, it makes you appreciate and see the mercy in your mess. And my pastors are part of that mercy.
Ordinary and unexpected treasure. Once a week. Sunday morning, oh my soul, I need God's preached Word.
Speaking of my church and my family, how they love my son! He never misses Sunday either. The stories I could share of the love expressed to him...well, there are no words. And when our son invited other men from his group home to our church, men who were visibly different. They were willing to learn. To have awkward moments like when a gentleman raised his hand in the back of our church to ask the pastor a question right in the middle of a sermon. Sweet grace and love. The stories I can share but will keep in my heart until that day...
Precious treasures, unexpected grace. I want to say I wouldn't trade this trial for anything but that wouldn't be true. I don't like seeing my son suffer. And yet my son is the most encouraging person I know. Even with his disabling symptoms. Even with constant torment and suffering. I tell him all the time, he is my hero.
And it's true. Unexpected hero.
Too many more blessings to keep sharing for now. These are simply the cream of the crop. And to think that to receive them, I was privileged to suffer.
"I used to think that God's gifts were on shelves one above the other, and that the taller we grew in Christian character the easier we should reach them. I find now that God's gifts are on shelves one beneath each other, and that it is not a question of growing taller but of stooping lower, and that we have to go down, always down, to get His best gifts" ~ F. B. Meyer
"To receive God's gifts, to live exalted and joy filled, isn't a function of straining higher, harder, doing more, carrying long the burdens of super-Pharisees or ultra saints. Receiving God's gifts is a gentle, simple movement of stooping lower." ~ Ann Voskamp
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